Just a few samples of Nigel's lyrics.

A PERFECTLY PLEASANT EVENING - extract

How kind of you to ask me
About last Thursday night.
---- it didn't all go right.
And how would I describe it
When all was said and done?
---- a little light on fun.
But let's forget each little hitch
Each tiny snag, each minor glitch.
It was a perfectly pleasant evening ----

I FOUND MY TRUE LOVE - extract

I found my true love in a hospital.
Imagine my elation.
My heart was racing, though not through joy -
It was atrial fibrillation.
As soon as I saw her in A and E
My heart skipped a beat and it nearly killed me.

AN OLDER WOMAN - extract

When I last felt this glow
Twenty years ago,
Love had a major boom and then went bust.
Since then I found it best
If I did not invest
In anything more hazardous than ordinary lust.

Of course I was an older woman
Enamoured with a younger man.
Yes I was a fool,
He was still at school,
When our fling began.
Of course I was an older woman
Enamoured with a younger man.

I merely had on loan
That boy's testosterone,
While both of us went through an awkward age.
His adolescent tongue
Soon tasted someone young,
Then told me I was just a passing stage.

MARVELLOUS PARTY - extract
(based on Noel Coward's 'I've been to a marvellous party')

I'm in Covent Garden
I do beg your pardon
I should be in Bow.
But I was enraptured
And socially captured -
I just couldn't go.
I was among la creme de la creme
And what is more blissful than talking to them?
I've never been greedier
For friends in the media.
O it did feel right
When early tonight ---

I went to a marvellous party
The place was completely abuzz.
So not to forget anyone whom I met
I wrote down what everyone does.
A lot of the guests were quite famous
Though of others I wasn't so sure.
Our hostess confided 'It's really a shame
Although I always know everyone's name
I can't always say why each of them came!
I couldn't have liked it more.

I've been to a marvellous party
Though sadly there weren't any drugs.
I greeted each friend, both real and pretend
With lots of air kisses and hugs.
I saw an MP from New Labour
Who went green when I mentioned Jack Straw.
He explained he was frightened of Campbell and Blair
So he put up with much he just couldn't bear
But he stuck out his tongue when no one was near,
I couldn't have liked it more

'I'M JUST A MAN' (FROM 'ROCK HEAVEN')

And the lighters all glow
And the people all sway.
Watch the little flames burn
As we sing real slow.

And I no longer know
What those little flames mean.
How can it be love
When it's only a show?

You say you love me and you think it's true.
How much I'm wanting to believe in you.
And there were moments when I did, for an hour or two.

Then we sing our last song
And the little flames die.
It was always a dream.
Guess I knew all along.

You say you love me and you think it's true.
How much I'm wanting to believe in you.
And there were moments when I did, for an hour or two.

Hey baby hear me yell,
Turn it up another decibel.
Let noone miss the night I scream farewell.
Come and see a rock god fall,
Not immortal after all,
I'm just a man.

How they beg me to stay
As I run to the wings.
But let's not pretend.
It's no longer my day.

'A KNIFE IS A REAL FRIEND' (FROM 'ROCK HEAVEN')
- extract

All
When you're feeling rather sad,
Everything looks awfully bad,
And Mr World has only got a frown.
When you're in a real jam,
And noone else could give a damn,
There's one friend who never lets you down.

Slicer
A knife is a real friend,
A friend on whom you can depend.
When you need an ally in a fight
There is no more reassuring sight
Than a silver blade in the dead of night.
A knife is a real friend.

ad lib
Why, my knife helped me just the other evening. I was out in a shady part of town.

Lucrenza
How shady?

Slicer
Positively funereal - well for one person it was. I could hardly see to cut out his heart.

Mic
You poor thing.

Lucrenza
A knife is a real friend,
A friend on whom you can depend.
When you want to lift your double chin,
Say goodbye to crinkly wrinkly skin,
Who'll always find a way through thick and thin?
A knife is a real friend.

'THROW ANOTHER BAT IN THE CAULDRON' (FROM 'GOBLINS DON'T SCARE US')

Witch
Find the page in the book.
Check how long a newt should cook.
And if you want a special spell
Just add in a pipistrelle.
Throw another bat in the cauldron
And give your spell that extra bit of zest.
A flying fox will sometimes work
But a bat is really much the best.

What a sight, what a stew.
It's a real witch's brew.
But it hasn't worked as yet.
Never mind, no need to fret.
Throw another bat in the cauldron
And give your spell that extra little kick.
A friendly vole can sometimes help
But a bat should always do the trick.

Hear it pop, hear it fizz
What a noisy spell it is.
But no magic's coming through.
There's just one thing for me to do.
Throw another bat in the cauldron
And give my spell that extra special bite.
A dragon's tooth can sometimes fail
But a bat will always see me ----------------- right
Till tonight
What's gone wrong?
What a bore.
Oh drat!